Dear Chris (why can't we be friends?)

Dear Chris,

It's me Pitchfork Media.
Come on. I'm not that bad!
You know you don't believe those things you said about me. Deep down you know those American Apparel leggings are smoking hot. Especially when girls are skinny from all the coke!

You've gotta change with the times man, you know? Like when the Bee-Gees jumped on disco and jive talked it into the American mainstream. We're just like that! You think people would want to live in places like Brooklyn, or maybe a little closer to home, East Austin, if they thought only black and Mexican people lived there? Of course not! We need to let our readers know that while there may be minorities, these burgeoning cultural centers are full of coked out American Apparel hunnies fucking in the bushes behind raging house parties full of DJs playing Pitchfork Recommended French electro releases.
And you know what, we like to bring our hipster masses down a notch or two sometimes. It's important to remind them that they don't decide what they like, we do. And once they think that they know what they like, we switch it up on them and decide that shit isn't cool anymore, and it's just like our readers decided it for themselves!

I know that you think house shows are cool. We think so too! You know that band you had play at your house the other day? Well we like them. We like that band that played a month before too. And those guys that used to live at your house, like three or four years ago? We like their band too! We even put a picture of you on our website!

It's true, maybe I don't know what you're listening to these days, but we try our best. We've been working on getting an interview with Prince for years! He just won't talk to us!

We can't put on house shows, it just wouldn't work. So we try pretty hard to put together the most affordable this-side-of-free music festival around with bands that would generally be listed in small to small-medium font on a professionally designed fsetival flyer. Do you know how many of those flyers we have to embed into HTML every day? Like two. We know the bands really well that hang out in that font size.

But maybe you have noticed a change in the past few years. We used to only cover those small to medium fonted bands. Now we care about Rhianna! We're trying! We don't want you to think we're snobs, we want to do like the common people. We hear songs on the radio we like every once in awhile. We usually apologize for them, but it's called journalism.

Now the MTV thing was a low-blow and you know it. Especially on the eve of our pitchfork.tv launch. We're not going to have hipster elimidate, we're talking the Pixies! Liars! And you know those parties you were talking about, well Death By Stereo has a D-I-Y party space, and we're going to be giving you a personal interweb tour!

Please Chris. Remember when you would get all hot and bothered by a 9.0? We used to mean something to you and we want to mean it again. Did you see The Dodos at the SXSW show at the Communications Courtyard? We're jizzing all over them! Recommended New Music, Forkcast, 8.5 rating, tour itineraries! Remember reading tour itineraries? You loved it! You have to admit that our use of symbols to designate the intersecting itineraries of bands is downright practical, you know in your heart that it is.

So I guess you don't want to fool around anymore. That's cool, I understand I have been putting on the pounds and I'm not as quick a read anymore. I know you'd rather be intercoursing with more relevant community focused zines or talking to those cool older people that you, well, didn't know a few years ago. It's fine, we don't have to make the same streaming non-pornographic internet love that we used to. But you know, you could, like, come over and hang out and maybe we could watch a movie or something.

-Pitchfork Media